what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
