I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
