Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
