dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
