Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
