Will you blow on my dice?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
