I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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