My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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