I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My ATM looks so different sober.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
