Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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