dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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