take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
