96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
