I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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