If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
