so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My vagina just clenched in fear
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
