Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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