I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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