Someone shit on the floor
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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