As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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