Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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