maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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