So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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