when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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