you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
last night I used snow as a chaser
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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