I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
