I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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