The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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