the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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