I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize