I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
