Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
