exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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