Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
