they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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