just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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