Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
