i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
