i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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