You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize