so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
