the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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