He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
