i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
