I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
