i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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