it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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