I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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