she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
