i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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