My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
