are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Pooping to opera.
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