I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
