I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
