Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
