i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
