I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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